In the Quietness of the Morning

I happened to wake up at 3:30 this morning. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep since I had only slept for 5 hours, but I guess God thought differently. As I lay there longing to fall asleep, I began to sense God's Spirit nudging me. So, I began to pray. As I did, I sensed God inviting me to spend some time with Him.

I'm ashamed to say that recently I have not been very attentive to my time with God in His Word and in prayer. I've been going through routines and the motions, but I have been pushing my Father out. Why? I have no idea. Maybe the physical never ending tiredness wore me down so much I didn't think I could put energy into one more thing. Whatever the reason, I have been able to tell the difference in my life. My days have been dragging and hard. I know I have been ignoring that call from Him. I would say to myself, "I just don't have the time, energy, and focus". But I have missed Him. I've disregarded those conversations with Him as I'm driving and instead have turned the radio on to drown out the silence. I've pushed aside the precious times sitting and learning from His Word and instead have filled those moments with aimless internet surfing. I've drifted away from the habit of sharing my life with Him and instead have closed up and acted as if He doesn't know what's inside. My focus has gone away because everywhere I look, I see Him and think about Him. So, I block everything out so I don't have to think. I'm a Believer, there is no doubt about that, but why have I done this? I don't believe it happened by me deciding I wanted to do it. It happened because I didn't guard myself. I allowed things to slowly creep in and before I knew it I was miles away from Him. So, this morning, at 4 o'clock, He began once again to call He was calling for me to come back. This time I listened.

After some time in prayer, I sat down and began to read in Matthew. I chose Matthew because I have been reading a series of books called The A.D. Chronicles. It is several stories of people living in Jesus' day (beggars, cripples, lepers, shepherds, great rulers, and Pharisees). While fictional, it has stirred in me the desire to know Him, really know Him. I believe that many things I've thought of Christ are flat out wrong. It's time for me to find out for myself who He is. So, Matthew it was and He taught me so much. I saw things I've never seen before and it has strengthened me once more. The peacefulness of the morning was beautiful. I think I can do this thing called life, the despair is gone. I've come running back to Him. It will take a while to get back to where I was, but I'm getting there. I think I can keep going now, because this time, I'm not alone (Maybe I'll start blogging a little more regularly, too).